We vote, we create living things, we secretly run things, we work in factories, we are corporate executives. We are women (hear us roar). Women have been fighting to have equal rights with men for a long, long time. Women had to fight to get the right to vote (We're clearly soldiers in petticoats, dauntless crusaders for women's votes... you know you were singing it too) or even the right to have a job. Women's liberation and all that jazz. However, there is one group of women that time forgot.
Stay-at-Home Moms. Disgruntled Housewives. Wisteria Lane's got nothing on the real thing. We've been underappreciated for centuries. Expected to do the work of ten men. Yet we recieve no wages for our work.
So I'm proposing a revolutionary use of our particular skillset. Government. We should be in charge of things. (We already are anyway.)
We could put together a dinner in no time and for less money (we do barbeques), organize charitable events (we do bake sales), give thought provoking speeches on doing what is right and good (been doing it for years), cut down on costs by cleaning up after ourselves (we'd probably do it out of habit anyway).
In a few years the place would all be ours... and let's face it, we'd still do all the same things that we do now. Because we're housewives and mothers (and secretly have magical powers) and that's just how we roll (as the kids say).
So return, brave citizens, to your ovens, your brooms, your huddled masses (of laundry). Somewhere out there is a ball team that is depending on you. It's your day for snacks (you know who you are)! Go! Lead them!
(This message paid for by the Disgruntled Housewives of America Foundation.)
(Such a foundation does not exist in reality)
4.10.2010
Let's Go To The Movies!
Movies, cinema, theater whatever you call it, we all know it. Movies are everywhere and since the advent of such new-fangled devices as personal camcorders, personal computers, and (my personal favorite) the Internet (aka, interwebs, world wide web, the place with the thing and the people and stuff, you know), everywhere literally means Every Where. There are home movies (More of the Grand Canyon Grandma???), wedding videos (Aww... how sweet.), birth videos (Aww.. how-OH MY GOD!!!), video clips (from cell phones that quickly become), viral videos, but perhaps my favorite of all forms of film is the theater showing of feature films. It's great entertainment for the whole family. Right?
Maybe, but there are things that all the good intentions in the world cannot influence. One of those things is spontaneously taking a one-year-old and a three-year-old to see a movie by yourself. Why, oh why (I seem to be asking myself that a lot these days) did I think this was a good idea. Point 1- Movie theaters on Saturdays are generally a bad idea. Point 2-Small children in movie theaters is generally a bad idea. Point 3- The two to one child to parent ratio at the movie theater is generally a bad idea. Even if two negatives made a positive, we'd still be at a Bad Idea. Even if you have the forethought to bring appropriate drinks (Mama, I want juice. In my Transformers cup!!! No wait, wait, I want milk. No, juice) and love items for said children (monsters), you're still probably at a bad idea.
How do I know, you ask. I know because my road to hell is paved with the good intentions that just didn't seem to influence my children's behavior at the movie theater. Saturday. By myself.
During the two thoroughly exciting hours we spent at our local cineplex, we wore 3D glasses, took off 3D glasses, lost 3D glasses, went to the bathroom three times, flashed little boy butt to the ladies restroom, ate popcorn, fought over popcorn, choked on popcorn, ate candy, fought over candy, dropped candy, dropped popcorn, dropped sippy cup, chased sippy cup down aisle, lost sippy cup in theater, dropped other child's cup, found other child's cup, spilled popcorn, dropped more popcorn, argued with brother, argued with sister and generally caused a ruckus. Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out.
You know, in the movie Annie, they make it look so easy to take your kid to the movies. It's all lies. Children do not like to wear 3D glasses or share their popcorn or sit still for the last half hour of the movie (no matter how many times you tell them that they have to wait for the lights to come on so Mama can "FIND YOUR CUP!!!").
So, if you're at the theater and you hear some poor woman screaming "Why, God, why did I think this was a good idea?!?", you'll know it was some poor misguided mother who thought her children would enjoy going to the movies (because Annie was good).
Maybe, but there are things that all the good intentions in the world cannot influence. One of those things is spontaneously taking a one-year-old and a three-year-old to see a movie by yourself. Why, oh why (I seem to be asking myself that a lot these days) did I think this was a good idea. Point 1- Movie theaters on Saturdays are generally a bad idea. Point 2-Small children in movie theaters is generally a bad idea. Point 3- The two to one child to parent ratio at the movie theater is generally a bad idea. Even if two negatives made a positive, we'd still be at a Bad Idea. Even if you have the forethought to bring appropriate drinks (Mama, I want juice. In my Transformers cup!!! No wait, wait, I want milk. No, juice) and love items for said children (monsters), you're still probably at a bad idea.
How do I know, you ask. I know because my road to hell is paved with the good intentions that just didn't seem to influence my children's behavior at the movie theater. Saturday. By myself.
During the two thoroughly exciting hours we spent at our local cineplex, we wore 3D glasses, took off 3D glasses, lost 3D glasses, went to the bathroom three times, flashed little boy butt to the ladies restroom, ate popcorn, fought over popcorn, choked on popcorn, ate candy, fought over candy, dropped candy, dropped popcorn, dropped sippy cup, chased sippy cup down aisle, lost sippy cup in theater, dropped other child's cup, found other child's cup, spilled popcorn, dropped more popcorn, argued with brother, argued with sister and generally caused a ruckus. Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out.
You know, in the movie Annie, they make it look so easy to take your kid to the movies. It's all lies. Children do not like to wear 3D glasses or share their popcorn or sit still for the last half hour of the movie (no matter how many times you tell them that they have to wait for the lights to come on so Mama can "FIND YOUR CUP!!!").
So, if you're at the theater and you hear some poor woman screaming "Why, God, why did I think this was a good idea?!?", you'll know it was some poor misguided mother who thought her children would enjoy going to the movies (because Annie was good).
4.07.2010
You May Be Right...
Children have an amazing innate ability to have fun anywhere (except the doctor, grocery store, post office, or electric company). The simplest things bring them hours of enjoyment. A small child can turn an average cardboard box into a house, a club, a clubhouse, a rocket, a car, a train, jail, a garage, a table, no a garage, but I said I want a TABLE!!!
When did we, as adults, lose the ability to have that kind of fun? When did sidewalk chalk become a mess desperately in need of some spray and wash instead of a wonderful rainbow of expression? Somewhere along the way we lose our way, but a "lucky" few of us have discovered the secret to child-like fun. (Are you ready for this?) Children!
Nothing gets you outside playing (read: cleaning) with bubbles and Play-Doh like children. There are the games of Hide-and-Seek that turn into Hide-and-Why-is-it-so-quiet-oh-crap-Seek. And something seems to go terribly wrong when a frazzled mother (like the ones in comic strips with frizzy hair circa Albert Einstein and crazy eyes) grabs a piece of sidewalk chalk at the end of a very long (long, long, long, long, long) day of (not so) quick errands (or torture).
Rain turns into a pond, with a duck and a fish, oh, a cloud, maybe a thunderstorm complete with lightning bolt and if you call now I'll throw in a badly drawn Zeus in the Parthenon (maybe?) for absolutely free! (But act now because we can't keep these deals around forever.) And it's entitled, "Zeus, Zeus's Wrath, and Uh Oh Duck". (Probably not bound for the Louvre, let's face it.)
Some people will say their children bring out the kid in them. I say Poppycock! Sometimes you just have to laugh so you won't cry.
And you may be right, I may be crazy, (Hey!) but we all may be a little crazy inside.
Dedicated in loving memory to William Homer Haskins, an eternal kid-at-heart.
When did we, as adults, lose the ability to have that kind of fun? When did sidewalk chalk become a mess desperately in need of some spray and wash instead of a wonderful rainbow of expression? Somewhere along the way we lose our way, but a "lucky" few of us have discovered the secret to child-like fun. (Are you ready for this?) Children!
Nothing gets you outside playing (read: cleaning) with bubbles and Play-Doh like children. There are the games of Hide-and-Seek that turn into Hide-and-Why-is-it-so-quiet-oh-crap-Seek. And something seems to go terribly wrong when a frazzled mother (like the ones in comic strips with frizzy hair circa Albert Einstein and crazy eyes) grabs a piece of sidewalk chalk at the end of a very long (long, long, long, long, long) day of (not so) quick errands (or torture).
Rain turns into a pond, with a duck and a fish, oh, a cloud, maybe a thunderstorm complete with lightning bolt and if you call now I'll throw in a badly drawn Zeus in the Parthenon (maybe?) for absolutely free! (But act now because we can't keep these deals around forever.) And it's entitled, "Zeus, Zeus's Wrath, and Uh Oh Duck". (Probably not bound for the Louvre, let's face it.)
Some people will say their children bring out the kid in them. I say Poppycock! Sometimes you just have to laugh so you won't cry.
And you may be right, I may be crazy, (Hey!) but we all may be a little crazy inside.
Dedicated in loving memory to William Homer Haskins, an eternal kid-at-heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)