Be yourself... or Batman.

Genie said it to Aladdin, and I guess that all worked out in the end. But what if you're a writer and hate the way your name looks on the top of a page? It's dull and bland. It's got no flair. What's a girl to do? Well, use a pseudonym stupid. Fine, jerk, I will. Crap, I don't know what name to use. I'm a writer, not my mother, what name should I give myself. We're just not meant to name ourselves. Just look at skier Picabo Street. Her name is peek a boo. No joke. I read it in a magaziiiiiinne oh oh. b-b-b-benny and the jets.

So, I hate the way my name looks on top of the page. It sucks. It's a perfectly good name, sure, but it's nothing brilliant. It's not memorable. I don't stand out from the crowd. People will NOT remember it, or pronounce it correctly for that matter.

Then I read this article on MSN. It's my homepage. It was about people who use assumed names. Not spies, actors and such. Their given names sucked so they used different ones. There was even a blurb about someone who tried with their actual name, bombed, used a pseudonym and is now wildly famous.

So it was by divine providence that I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon of the court at Camelot did- wait, wrong story. Barnes and Noble posted this really funny pseudonym generator. I used it and that children, is where writers come from.

But herein lies the dilemma. If I have to be someone else to be successful, am I really successful? How do I split up my ePersonality? This blog for example. Possibly not suitable for a children's book author, but it's me. And I'm good enough, and if I'm not, then I have to make myself right? But it's just a name. What's in a name? A rose by any other name blah blah blah...

So I wonder... Keep the name my mother gave me or the one with pizazz I got from Barnes and Noble?

Or be Batman...

Am I a bad mother or just an exceptional crazy person?

So, in case you didn't know, I'm a writer. Not insofar as success is concerned, but that I put words on paper and think the world needs to read them. Narcissist much?

But anyway, I just got my first peer review for this story I wrote once when the girl pulled effing Zebra Cakes out of her bed. You know Zebra Cakes right? Little Debbie snacks. White cake, white filling, white frosting, just enough brown striping to make it a politically correct snack. I mean, we can't have any racist snack cakes up in her'. So I thought, "STORYOMG!!!111" And that, children, is where stories come from.

I liked this so much, I sent it off to professionals for their professional assessment. Turns out, it's shit. But that's neither here nor there. The point I wish to make at the present, is that the person reviewing my manuscript as a peer, said something about "a neglected child hording frogs in her bed." Neglected?

So I posit this question to you, dear reader:

Am I a bad mother or am I just quite exceptional at being a neurotic narcissist with delusions of grandeur?

And as a side note, can anyone ever read/hear the phrase "delusions of grandeur" without thinking of Han Solo? Seriously.

Writers are, by definition, self deprecating narcissists. And I am, as previously mentioned, a writer. So (get your math hats on) If A=B and B=C then C must certainly be an asshat. Is asshat one word or two. Asshat? Ass Hat? And what if it's plural? Asses hat? Ass hats? Or just ass hat like moose? Boxen. Squirrel!

I mean I can barely get through a day without somebody flashing something inappropriate. For instance, today while trying to take a shower, The Girl got told on about three times for various things, not the least of which was flashing her vagina to the living room. The Boy had a friend over. It was not awesome. Also, there was salsa on the floor. Like smeared on the floor. Fan-freaking-tastic.

And just now. Just now, I had to tell her to go back to her room. She could take her Easy Bake oven spatula with her. It's not heaven, you CAN take it with you, so GoOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Now I want to yell about Easy Bake ovens. Seriously, who wants a whoopee pie the size of a nickel baked under a lightbulb? They taste like crap too. SMH FML OMGWTFBBQ Ugh...