I've really needed to blog for a while. I've been having really weird thought and super trippy dreams. We're talking Lucy in the sky with Walter bishop trippy. So, I bequeath to you a sampling of gems from the past time period.
I noticed that all old people everywhere look like old people. Like no matter where you're from, you're going to end up looking like a gnarly apple when you get old.
Dogs don't like taking selfies.
Neither do cats
I was in a play. It was a great experience and super fun. However, it's not something that I'll be doing again. It made me bat crap crazy! Between having real kids and pretend kids, I almost lost my crap. The good news though? I totally looked like mrs. Patmore.
I swear there was more and you all were going to love it, but it seems I'm old and so I can no longer remember the dumb things I was gonna talk about.
On another note, I deduced the crap out of someone based solely on the knot of his scarf. If by deduce, you mean I could tell he has a Pinterest account because I've seen that knot zillions of time on there, then get me a Watson cause I'm amazing!
The boy is a big fan of Xbox. And by big, I mean that he'll throw a freaking fit if he doesn't get to play every single day. It's like Dudley freaking Dursley up in here. But recently he's been talking to this one kid who sounds like a kid. Either that or a foreigner or a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz. But this kid, we'll call him Gamertag, talks to other punk ass kids/teens in their nerdy little xbox Live parties.
One day these punks said something to The Boy like that he was a baby or something. He comes running in crying because these kids are picking on him. A few things popped into my head at this.
1. Punk ass punks need to check themselves before I wreck themselves.
2. That's life, son. People suck. Learn to deal.
3. Oh god, life is so weird with internet kids.
Seriously, why is there not a guide book for what to do when your seven year old learns about talking to other people on the xbox? Internet exposure has seriously screwed up my parenting style. Though to be fair my style is more of a rough guideline than anything.
I've noticed while living here in turkey that being unplugged is relaxing. I don't own a cell phone right now. And strangely enough, it's freeing. I'm not worrying about talking to this person or that person. I'm not being constantly bombarded by texts and information and crap. I can just be in the moment. Now if only I could get my kid to unplug and get in the moment.
So, we're getting ready to move to Germany in... roughly the time it takes an adult female human to gestate a tiny human. My therapist has had much to say on this topic. You see, much like crotchety old men and people with certain disorders and stuff, I don't dig change. When we moved here I immediately spiraled rapidly out of control so badly in fact, that I'm only now back on track after what? One year and a few months. No big right? Totes cool? Nope. Not remotely. It was a circle of Hell I wouldn't wish on Nancy Pelosi.
Anyway, my therapist gave me some homework. Hey, she knows who she's dealing with here. She wanted me to make a list of the most important things I've learned here. In regards to dealing with bouts of crippling depression and super spazzified anxiety episodes. So, I thought I'd share some of these gems with you. I went to Jared.
Ah hem...
I have learned while here that I don't react well to change. It makes me wonky. But the important part to remember is that sometimes it's okay to be wonky. You don't have to totally freak out because you'll never be happy again and the world is worthless and there's no point in living in a world if this is all you have to look forward to and blah blah blah... Emotions ebb and flow and that's all right.
I've learned that I'm worth a damn.
I've always had abominable self esteem, and it turns out that most of my problems stem from me not thinking I'm worth it. Like a make up commercial. I still don't wear make up or whatever but I'm starting to really feel like I deserve good things. I deserve to do something good for me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have the great relationship I have with my husband. I deserve way more hugs and kisses and gratitude than I get from these little freeloaders I couldn't live without. I deserve to be successful and I deserve to be...
And dangit, people like me. Just last night I found out that an acquaintance of mine, when trying to figure out who I was knew me by the description "the squeaky one". Thanks for that hubster. Anyway, it turns out, she loves me. When I'm all like "Let's do this!!!" She's all like "Yeah, now I really want to do this." And while that might just be a goofy little thing, it meant a heap of a lot that someone I barely know thinks something nice about me. It's really hard to get out of thinking that you're just a giant hunk of crap, and sometimes it's nice to just get that little boost along you know.
Another thing I've learned is something I picked up a long time ago from a kung fu master I was familiar with. I've always thought it was terribly clever, but never applied it to my life.
And it's truth. It's one of the truthiest truths of any truth that ever truthed. Mindfulness. It's a psychobabble term as well as an easterny philosophy. They're a bit different, but essentially the same. Live in the now. Take the time now. Don't spend today worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. You'll tell yourself, I'll deal with life tomorrow, but there's always another tomorrow and another tomorrow and another tomorrow. Which ironically is the day I plan to go to the gym... Regardless. Just be present. Accept what is around you. It's like the serenity prayer or the beatles song. Do what you can with what you've got and the let the rest go. You are only human. I am only human, and as such, can only do so much. I can't change the weather, speed up the harvest, or teleport you off this rock. But I can do something about some things.
I learned that to be happy is not to be manic. To be happy is merely to be content. Let me say that again.
To be happy is merely to be content.
Those people who walk around constantly smiling and bubbly, they're medicated. Seriously. In some of my worst times, people would tell me how bubbly and outgoing I was and I'd be like WTF?!? Sometimes the façade is cheery but the inside is melting away. I used to wonder why I couldn't be like those people, you know the ones who have their shit together. They're all "I'm fantastic" and I'm all like "I hate you. Why are you so perfect? Why can't I be like you?" Which I guess leads us into another thing I've learned and that's to not compare yourself with anyone else. We're all messed up in some way, shape, or form. We've all got something. That perfect mom, she lost a baby. That cheery kid, she wants to waste away and die. That skinny girl, she just threw up a hamburger because her dad called her fat. And maybe not all that extreme, but everybody's got something. The point is that when you realize that you are you, it frees you up to, back to my first point, be content with your lot. Just be content with it all. I can't change my circumstances, so I accept them. That was such a freeing revelation. The entire world is not my problem. I'm not responsible for the manic happiness and wellbeing of every entity on this damn rock. I'm responsible for me. I'm responsible for how I feel. I can't do a damn thing about a lot of things, but I can change how I feel about them. And how I feel about them is content. I just let the things be what they will. It only makes me crazy and cuts weeks off the end of my life, so just chill.
I've learned a great deal about love also. Not like whoooo romantic love. Friendship type love. Love your friends. If you love/appreciate someone, let them know. Just be kind. Be a good person. Believe in something. Love someone. Those are important things. If you can do something nice for someone, do it. It doesn't hurt you at all to check on a friend or to say thank you or to just hug someone. And it certainly won't kill you to look a service worker of any kind square in the eye and say thank you. Be one with your fellow man. After all, once you skin us, we're all the same.
