Horribles, Hippies, and Hipsters, Oh My!

I  used to write pulp fiction.

No, no, not Quentin Tarantino Fan fic or something weird like that, but actual fiction in the style of pulp. I was always under the assumption that I was at least moderately good, which in my head meant I was a complete freaking genius and the world would soon bow down to my word smithing prowess.

Guess not. Cause today I stumbled upon the first review of anything I've ever written, and while I'll admit, pulp is not at it's core supposed to be award-winning, this jerk was a jerk. That's not really what I want to call him, but whatevs. Rise above it right. Yeah, that's what I should've done. What I did do was go hunting for more reviews, still convinced that this guy was a hapless douche and my brilliance would shine through on something else I had written. Bollocks! The lady that reviewed the other stuff actually used the phrase, "the plot was terrible and horribly executed". Ass hat. I've been told by the hubs that all amazon.com reviews are shit, and that's what I'm going with now. Besides if I don't make it as a writer, I could have a very lucrative career making granola!

Hey, since you bring up granola, I made some groovy granola that I'm going to have with my almond milk tomorrow morning for breakfast. In case  you didn't notice, I've become a bit of a hippie. But it's seriously great granola. Chocolate with chocolate chips and local honey. Mmm... And something funny happened to me on the way to eating dinner tonight. I freaked out all the hell over a bag of chicken breasts. All I could think of was that this used to be a living chicken. I was cutting up dead animal tissue. I was a mutilator. O.O It really wasn't as cool as Dexter made it seem.

 And then it made me really sad. I was kinda flailing around like a freakshow, mumbling about chickens.

I'm not sure that's what my dad had in mind when he let his hippie-ness rub off on me. Though I was thinking today that he did kind of raise me to be a hipster.

Hysterical book, btw, if your dad still did things like wear waaaay cut off shorts and stuff. But he always had on some kind of groovy tunes. The first one I can remember is Arlo Guthrie.

"The Pause of Mr. Claus" by Arlo Guthrie

He starts by hassling the FBI, making very astute observations about society and then sings a song about Santa Claus being a Communist beatnik. Winning! I even discovered it on a basement expedition on a freaking 8-track, the only one left. You might say it was fate that lead me to this...

Oh, hey, I said Communist while talking in a round about fashion about my dad. There's a funny story about that. So my dad came to visit me on base. Like a military base, and we're getting his gate pass so he can come on base, and he looks at the cop guy behind the counter and goes, "I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party."

And hey, speaking of Communists, didja hear about how Vladimir Putin said stuff about peace and whatnot? Then people are all, "Dude is ex-KGB (as far as they know...), how peaceful is he really gonna be?" To this, folks I have the answer. He got it out of his system and now relies on his reputation. It's like me and this one poor gangly kid that used to work for the hubs. He was kind of terrified of me, it's only because I get the mother of all Napoleon Complexes when I drink. Regardless, I was never gonna beat him down or anything like that, but he knew if I felt the need, I'd probably just smack him. It's the same thing. I'm cool like Vladimir Putin.

Look at that, I covered my day, my dad, and even threw in current events. WHAT!

Foodventure No.2 Aspartame

On this edition of A Hapless Foodventure, I'd like to talk to you about a subject near and dear to my heart and probably the brain tumor I'm gonna find out I have: Aspartame.

This is where the intro music goes. It's something between the NBC Now you know thingy and the PBS Masterpiece music.

So when I was in high school, for one of my small town snooty so not so snooty science classes, we had to write a paper, APA format, 6-8 pgs, double spaced, size 12 Times New Roman, on a controversial topic in science. First I thought about time travel, but it totally tripped me out, man. Then a friend suggested I investigate the topic of Chi Energy... I leaned over and gingerly rested my chin upon the molded plastic surrounding the most sacred of beverages and then it came to me, like a beacon in the night. I would write my paper on the Aspartame that sweetened the Diet Coke I already drank with frightening frequency.

My science teacher was actually impressed by my not memorable essay proclaiming the dangers of Aspartame from it's weird combinations of Amino Acids, to it's forming formaldehyde. She commented though that it made her think twice about giving her kids Crystal Light all the time. Not enough to stop poisoning them with yummy fruit flavors, but she thought about it. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but it's the thought that counts.

I was thinking though, I haven't heard much about Crystal Light in the past few years. Aside from their weird commercials with women dancing with scarves or something that happened to coincide with the rising popularity of the Mio liquid water flavor enhancer thingy. I'll admit, sometimes water is boring. Nothing but two Hydrogens mushed to an Oxygen held together by a weak nuclear force or something laced with chemicals to make it more palatable. Kinda boring right? But you throw some burst of flavor and color into that and suddenly...

And the part that nobody seems to notice or care about is that there's Aspartame in Mio, too. It's not healthy. It's not a good food option. Really, it probably has no "food" in it. It has a chemical sweetner to start out with, and a weird color. And don't let them fool you with "natural colors", they're just the ones they put in a corn base. But that's not what we're talking about here. What I'm talking about is how I've been totally duped! Duped, I say! Into thinking that drinking Diet Coke will keep me slim and svelte like the logo, didja notice??? But really, it freaks out your system making it think it's getting sugar and therefore energy but it's not so it's like WTF and stuff. On top that, the part that plagues me most is that it can give you headaches, anxiety, depressed feelings, a bad attitude, and a brain tumor.

So my Diet Coke induced anxiety and headaches that are probably precursors to the brain tumor pushing on my be nice and tolerant to children I didn't birth gland are going to part ways... I hope.

Food Stuffs Journey

Today, I'd like to address a fact of my life that is glaringly apparent. I'm a chunky monkey.

That being said, I also feel like cat dirt most of the time and my ... times of the month... are a bear. Not the cute little Coca-Cola polar bear from my youth, like a ravenous, man eating, blood thirsty grizzly bear. So I was thinking... Self, do you suppose that perhaps, eating all this chemically derived shit posing as food has something to do with the fact that you're fat and losing your marbles? Why yes, Self, I think that may be the ticket. And so  here we are... stuck between a Tastycake and a hamburger.

I have a friend who recently did this whole 30 thing where you like only eat whole foods but no dairy, gluten, or sugar. It worked out well for her so I thought, what the hay, hey! Then I went, waitaminute, Self, What are we doing? And Self, who was moderately freaking out, replied, I DUNNO MAN, I DUNNO. I'M FREAKIN OUT MAN, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS BRO. THIS IS A BAD IDEA... And so here were are again. Twinkies and potato chips

But this time, I thought, Self, you can't just sit on your fat arse and do nothing, and clearly the post-it note you put on the fridge ordering you to "Walk Away Fatty" hasn't helped, so you should take a step. So I've decided to cold turkey quit Diet Coke. ZOMG!!! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go into convulsions any time now, and I may or may not have been disowned by my othermother. It seems to be my nicotine. I quit, then I fall off the wagon, then I quit, then I swan dive off the wagon into a Coca-Cola factory and drown in the stuff. But this time is different... Yeah... Different.

I used to be a vegetarian/vegan. It started out well enough, but did you know that French fries and Diet Coke are vegan? I did... So I consumed. If there is a stereotypical example of the American plagued by junk food, even though she knows way better, it is me. I am that example.

So here I am, stuck in the middle of sweet tea and some spaghetti. That's burning right now.