What is wrong with you people?!?

I don't like cleaning. If you don't remember me telling you that, I have, and you should catch up.

http://motherofanadventure.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-dont-like-cleaning-or-glitter.html

But sometimes you have to bite the bullet, suck it up, put on your big girl panties, use lotsa metaphors and just clean the damn house. And since hubs is gone. To sunny Spain. To the beach of sunny, Southern Spain. On "work".

Looks like work doesn't it?

Anyway, I cleaned the house so I wouldn't be on an episode of Hoarders. But the kids were home. And you know what that means...

So, Oreos in mouth and Pandora rockin' out some AC/DC, I set to work. I swept the floors first. I was taking it slow. Which basically means that I didn't want to do crap but the house was nasty so I had to sweep the floors. It was then that my littlest Oreo... er... kid decided she wanted to run through the house with a pilfered package of graham crackers leaving bits and crumbs behind her, you know, in case she lost her way to the butt kicking I wanted to give her. Why do you do things?!? What is wrong with you?!?

Then the next day, I set forth picking up, mopping, and wiping off surfaces in the house. Being grown up is bananas. I actually scrubbed finish off the desk trying to get colored and regular pencil off it. In the desk's defense, I was the one who redid it, so the finish was sub par at best. But still. It was a lot of trouble and was annoying. So, job wonderfully done, I set off for a shower with my step bouncing from my feeling of success. It really is true, cleanliness is next to godliness because I was some kind of magic. Fifteen minutes later. When I got out of the shower, I walked into the computer room to check on the Girl Oreo when what did I see but PURPLE FREAKIN CRAYON ALL OVER THE DAMN F***ING DESK!!! I was a little upset. What is wrong with you?!?

Then I was putting up the boy's clothes and there was crayon on his underwear drawer. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU. PEOPLE?!?

I quit life as a result. You've reached Mom. I'm not in right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, I still won't care.

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

I read The Other Boleyn Girl and thought I would give a little review of it.

The book takes place in the Tudor court of England. Basically, the Boleyn family has two daughters and lots of ambition. They marry off the young one and ship off the old one. The young one is pretty and gets shoved basically right onto King Henry's knob. They do their thing and the Boleyn's think they're just the coolest kids ever. Then the old one comes back. Aww... snap. It's Anne. Spoilers. So Anne throws out her boobies and wiles and catches ole horndog Henry's eye. But she won't put out. She won't be cast aside because Hank is tired of her. So she skanks it up like whoa and gets a queen exiled, a king excommunicated, and a new church founded, not to mention the heads lobbed off in her honor. So, Katherine is out of the way with her piousness and sincerity. There's no room for that crap at court. And the king marries Anne, but Anne can't birth a baby who is both alive and has bits. Then she does the nasty with her homosexual brother and gives birth to a stillborn monstrous baby thing. The king yells witch with the help of the rival house of Seymour, lobs off Anne's melon, and dips his stick in someone else called Queen. The End.

The story is told from Mary Boleyn's pov which is nice because Anne was AWFUL. So much so, in fact, that I was kind of glad her melon got lobbed off. I would like to point out that the rival families of Howard and Seymour were just barely classed up Hatfields and McCoys. Also, if you seriously think skeeziness and gay love and crap like that is new, you're a moron. I'm not sure there was a skankier time period than Tudor Englad. Nor was there one more entertaining.

The book was great. Follow it up with the movie of the same name and the Showtime series, The Tudors.

Mad Men

I've been watching Mad Men. I really like it. I like it in the way I like Napoleon Dynamite or "The Catcher in the Rye". There doesn't seem to be any real plot other than drinking and checking out Joan. I really love the costumes. They're amazing. I can't watch this show without wishing I could change my wardrobe. It makes women want to wear dresses and men want to smoke.

Also, I find it to be a comedy. I mean seriously. Aside from aiming a jab at the people we sprang from under the guise of entertainment, we get to laugh at the ridiculousness of "olden times". Just by the way, I hate it when people say "olden times". I feel like times should be tymes and you should be 8 years old or in a special school for special people who say "olden tymes".

For instance when the Drapers went on a picnic, Don chucked his empty beer can in the trees and the family left all their garbage on the ground. Somehow the director of this show has an uncanny ability to zoom in on these things without actually zooming. Also, the drunkenness and the pregnant women smoking and drinking cocktails.

Speaking of cocktails, do you ever break down words to try to guess their meaning and/or origin? Break that one up would ya? The cleanest I can make it is a chicken's ass. I'm not sure what that has to do with putting juice in hard liquor,  but there ya have it.

Mad Men also has an interesting view of women.

The poor jilted housewife kicks out her husband and then apparently loses all desire to go on. She stops getting dressed. She drinks and naps in the middle of the day. She basically just gets modernized.

 Then there are the "professional" women. Not like those kinds of professionals, you pervert, the kind who work.

There's the adorable little girl who is "one of the guys" now, except for the fact that she (gasp) had a baby "out of wedlock" with one of the guys she's supposed to be now and went whackadoo for a bit.

And that brings us to probably my favorite character: Joan Holloway. It is my opinion that Christina Hendricks owns that show. She's Sterling Cooper's own Marilyn. Curves and great hair, and then she finally gets a chance to have a job she enjoys, not just managing secretaries and what do they do? The bastards give away her new job that she likes to some punk kid who has no idea what's going on. Well f you, fat glasses guy (I can't actually remember their names), you should know that the voluptuous lady that has been charming networks is a better choice than the idiot you picked.

Overall, I love this show! I think it's great!

Celebrities = Courtiers???

Hola, world. I've just been mopping my floor listening to "Tom Cruise Crazy" by Jonathan Coulton.

I've also been reading

 



 

Anyway, I was thinking, "What if celebrities are modern day courtiers???" Let me submit my evidence. Back in the dizzle, courtiers were supposed to keep the king entertained... in every way. And as an aside, HenryVIII was a HOUND DOG. WHOA! But they put on plays and charades and masques and played cards and were a source of  G O S S I P. So then I was thinking about Tom Cruise because that song is ah-mazing, and it starts with "Tom Cruise is so in love with Katie". Except the thing is, he's not. But it's still there. And we all dig the scandal and eat it up via Us Weekly and People. But they only have jobs to entertain us. I mean, sure they get paid WAAAYYY more $$$ than me, but without me, they'd not be them. Right? So by my thinking then, I am the modern day equivalent of a Kingslashqueen. Hmm... What the french, toast? Where are my untold millions and ability to boss everyone around? Why don't I have an amazing coat made of the fur of baby seals or something. I don't even think baby seals have fur, but I'm kingslashqueen so it's irrelevant! I think I just turned into Cruella DeVil... Eek.

 

Cruella Out!

Be yourself... or Batman.

Genie said it to Aladdin, and I guess that all worked out in the end. But what if you're a writer and hate the way your name looks on the top of a page? It's dull and bland. It's got no flair. What's a girl to do? Well, use a pseudonym stupid. Fine, jerk, I will. Crap, I don't know what name to use. I'm a writer, not my mother, what name should I give myself. We're just not meant to name ourselves. Just look at skier Picabo Street. Her name is peek a boo. No joke. I read it in a magaziiiiiinne oh oh. b-b-b-benny and the jets.

So, I hate the way my name looks on top of the page. It sucks. It's a perfectly good name, sure, but it's nothing brilliant. It's not memorable. I don't stand out from the crowd. People will NOT remember it, or pronounce it correctly for that matter.

Then I read this article on MSN. It's my homepage. It was about people who use assumed names. Not spies, actors and such. Their given names sucked so they used different ones. There was even a blurb about someone who tried with their actual name, bombed, used a pseudonym and is now wildly famous.

So it was by divine providence that I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon of the court at Camelot did- wait, wrong story. Barnes and Noble posted this really funny pseudonym generator. I used it and that children, is where writers come from.

But herein lies the dilemma. If I have to be someone else to be successful, am I really successful? How do I split up my ePersonality? This blog for example. Possibly not suitable for a children's book author, but it's me. And I'm good enough, and if I'm not, then I have to make myself right? But it's just a name. What's in a name? A rose by any other name blah blah blah...

So I wonder... Keep the name my mother gave me or the one with pizazz I got from Barnes and Noble?

Or be Batman...

Am I a bad mother or just an exceptional crazy person?

So, in case you didn't know, I'm a writer. Not insofar as success is concerned, but that I put words on paper and think the world needs to read them. Narcissist much?

But anyway, I just got my first peer review for this story I wrote once when the girl pulled effing Zebra Cakes out of her bed. You know Zebra Cakes right? Little Debbie snacks. White cake, white filling, white frosting, just enough brown striping to make it a politically correct snack. I mean, we can't have any racist snack cakes up in her'. So I thought, "STORYOMG!!!111" And that, children, is where stories come from.

I liked this so much, I sent it off to professionals for their professional assessment. Turns out, it's shit. But that's neither here nor there. The point I wish to make at the present, is that the person reviewing my manuscript as a peer, said something about "a neglected child hording frogs in her bed." Neglected?

So I posit this question to you, dear reader:

Am I a bad mother or am I just quite exceptional at being a neurotic narcissist with delusions of grandeur?

And as a side note, can anyone ever read/hear the phrase "delusions of grandeur" without thinking of Han Solo? Seriously.

Writers are, by definition, self deprecating narcissists. And I am, as previously mentioned, a writer. So (get your math hats on) If A=B and B=C then C must certainly be an asshat. Is asshat one word or two. Asshat? Ass Hat? And what if it's plural? Asses hat? Ass hats? Or just ass hat like moose? Boxen. Squirrel!

I mean I can barely get through a day without somebody flashing something inappropriate. For instance, today while trying to take a shower, The Girl got told on about three times for various things, not the least of which was flashing her vagina to the living room. The Boy had a friend over. It was not awesome. Also, there was salsa on the floor. Like smeared on the floor. Fan-freaking-tastic.

And just now. Just now, I had to tell her to go back to her room. She could take her Easy Bake oven spatula with her. It's not heaven, you CAN take it with you, so GoOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Now I want to yell about Easy Bake ovens. Seriously, who wants a whoopee pie the size of a nickel baked under a lightbulb? They taste like crap too. SMH FML OMGWTFBBQ Ugh...

Oh mighty slayer of electronics!

That's right bitches! Fear me!

I am a disaster with electronic devices. Seriously! I got a swanky new iPad for taxes. Yeah, it's a holiday. But I got this cool iPad cause I had an iPhone and if you have one iThing, you have to get more iCrap. So iDid. Then iHappened. Well, it wasn't all me. The girl helped. By our powers combined we will...

She launched it off the arm of the couch and it shattered into a million tiny dead hipster dreams. Sad iPanda.

Then there was the printer debacle. I killed two in as many days. I'm telling you. I am an evil mastermind. So here's the deal, it seems you can't get all excited and PRINT ALL THE THINGS!!! Because, it turns out printers can't hold ALL THE PAPER... I  had no idea you couldn't shove an entire ream of paper into a crappy little printer. It freaked out and died. So we got a new crappy little printer. And what did iDo? In my infinite wisdom, I again tried to LOAD ALL THE PAPER!!! It DIED ALL TO HELL!!! They get paper jams. Paper Jams!!!

And last but not least... my sidekick in inadvertently rendering me off the grid decided to fling my laptop from the arm of the sofa... I feel like I should learn a lesson... But if they didn't want us to put things on the sofa arms, then sofas shouldn't come with arms. KTHXBYE.

This is maybe the second or third time she's knocked this poor laptop off of something... But it's still trucking. Though, the corner of the casing is starting to come off, some of the plastic is chipped, and my left button for the touch pad is a bit wonky, oh and I killed the cover trying to pry it off like a Neanderthal instead of, oh, iDunno, just slide it off like you're supposed to.

It's cause I'm an electronics slaying gangster and shit.